Let me explain what I mean by beasty (as if you parents don’t really know). His mind is like a speeding train. Getting it to stop while racing along mid-thought-stream is almost impossible. (Side-note – is this why it’s called a “train” of thought? So many compartments that spring one from another, careening along rapidly, too cumbersome to stop quickly?) Trying to have a conversation without forcefully shutting him down so we can get a word in edgewise has proven to be one of our greatest parenting challenges.
When he gets this mind of his set on something – some desire or supposed “need” – the wild beast WILL NOT be talked down. We try reasoning with him, but his reasoning skills far outlast my patience, and frankly, often, my intellect. We try negotiating, but feel totally exploited by the time we’re done as he’s usually negotiated 2 or 3 more pages, or minutes, or bites than we really were willing to concede. We’ve tried “tough-loving” him (“we said no, mommy and daddy know best right now. I’m sorry you feel sad about it, but you’ll be okay”), which sometimes works - after we sit through the long torturous tantrums that inevitably follow. We’ve even tried scaring him into obedience by yelling or grabbing him, this only in our worst moments when we can no longer handle his persistence and we’re out of our own minds. The consequences of that last tactic are that he feels terrible, we feel terrible, and our connection has been damaged – he has less trust in us – which usually leads to more acting out in the end.
His beastiness extends to all areas of his life. “Please use your fork!” “Can you say that in your inside voice?” “Walk please!” “Can you puh-leeeeze say excuse me!!!” “WATCH OUT for those people!!” “Do we live in a barn?” “Please stop. Stop! I SAID STOP!!”
Trying to tame him is our full time occupation, and we both have jobs, and the house, and a garden, and friends, and now my husband wants a dog. What are we to DO????
I have read and read, consulted, ruminated, trained and even begun teaching parenting skills and I still feel like I am swimming in water that’s just over my head.
The latest challenge where his beastiness is rearing its beasty head is the Birthday. We’ve always held his birthday as a time for our community to come together to celebrate him, themselves and the part they’ve all had in supporting our family. It’s been a lovely event, at a park every year, great food, lots of connection and fabulous cake. This year was no different, except that this year we invited his whole pre-school class – about 30 kids and their parents. Add that to our whole community and you have about 100 people. And 50 PRESENTS!
By the end of the party, high on sugar and completely over-stimulated, my son began opening his presents. It was a frenzy. Ripping and tearing and gnashing of teeth. I did get him to open the cards first and get someone to read them so I could write down the gifts for the thank you notes (which I’ve never been able to actually get in the mail, but I try each year by diligently writing down who gave what). I even got him to get up and hug a few people after slashing into their gifts. But I realized too late that opening all the presents right then and there - even allowing all the presents in the first place - was actually part of what’s been creating this beast.
When he’s faced with so many presents, my poor son cannot think. He cannot feel anything but the rush to get them all open. Sure, he pauses long enough to say, “wow! A tractor!” before he throws the next box into the pile, but the whole ritual becomes about what’s next, certainly not about celebrating him, or honoring those who care for him enough to bring gifts. It becomes a consumer driven nightmare played out in the worst of all ways – in the heart and mind and fantasy of a little boy.
It breeds disappointment in him and others – did he like it enough? He didn’t even really look at it! Is that all? That’s not the one I asked for!! The over-stimulation crowds his brain and causes him to “numb out” and become less present to his own emotional needs or to the feelings of his friends. He turns from my sweet little boy to the greedy little hoarder who doesn’t let his friends play with his new toys because they’re “too special” – so special that they’re lying discarded in a big pile. Over the years of Christmas and Birthday deluges he’s begun to lose interest in the things he has after about five minutes and always seems to want more, more, more.
Lately I’ve gotten so desperate about this that I’ve begun to tell him the stories of hungry children in China or kids with no toys in Africa, which doesn’t really make him more grateful, by the way. So today I am looking for answers. I’ve spent all morning on the Internet, seeking out information about children and consumerism, too many presents, how to instill values and all that.
What I’ve found is pretty sobering. By “pretty sobering,” I really mean crushing, heart-wrenching, gut twisting. Between the media, profit-driven companies, and, believe it or not, economists, who disregard the social and moral development of our people and our society when they champion the purely numerical belief that consumption is the best driver of our economy, how are we to get a break? I mean, my son doesn’t even watch TV, but other kids do, and media-related themes are so pervasive in our culture that we practically can’t buy a pair of shoes without a cartoon-character franchise attached to them. If I tell my son he can only have one cookie, I’ve had other moms look at me like I’m the Grinch who Stole Christmas. We’re being raised and indoctrinated to believe that the current typically American lifestyle of gluttony, consumerism, fast-paced action, entertainment, instant gratification, and “whatever sells” thinking is going to benefit us – make us rich, help us feel satisfied.
Meanwhile, depression, suicide, obesity, and bankruptcy are on the rise like never before.
Okay, you probably already know this, and you are probably beginning to feel depressed like I’ve been over this stuff, so let’s cut the nastiness and get to the gold. (How’s that for instant gratification?).
How do we raise our children to have a social conscience? How do we raise them to have strong values, to be generous and kind, to be patient and express themselves powerfully and respectfully?
One thing I knew, even before my Internet search, is that it all starts with us. Children learn from watching, and they are watching US!!! Whether we’re a parent or not, the children of this world are watching us. Do you swear at someone when they cut you off in traffic and gesticulate wildly or do you hold yourself back and think about how you make mistakes too? Do you listen to your own children as you would want them to listen to you? All the way through without interrupting (or saying excuse me if you have to interrupt)? Do you think before you say no? Modeling is first and foremost the most powerful tool for creating values-driven behavior.
But here’s the question I was looking to answer today: how do we counteract the cultural influences that turn our sweeties into beasties? I found a few things.
A recent article in the New York Times had these suggestions:
''Many parents communicate feelings by giving gifts rather than by direct communication of their feelings,'' said Dr. Kenneth Skodnek, a child psychiatrist at Nassau County Medical Center. ''It's almost as if materialism becomes the matrix of social relations -- our sense of self esteem and our relation to others.''
Adults, the experts say, should simply take a firm stand. ''Children need adults to tell them they've had too much candy,'' said Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychologist at New York Cornell Medical Center. ''And if the adult is the cause of too much candy, it's really a bad situation.''
Common sense, without shades of Ebenezer Scrooge, is the goal. One of Dr. Shanor's suggestions is to parcel gifts out over longer periods; she even suggests putting away all but a couple of gifts after they are opened.
Dr. Nancy Brush, a psychology professor at Fordham University, says Hanukkah with its eight days of gift-giving, or celebrating the 12 Days of Christmas, can be considerably more reasonable than a single gift-giving orgy.
Another idea is to give children more complicated toys that can engage them for longer periods of time. ''More complicated toys that are developmentally appropriate are better than multiple toys,'' Dr. Brush said.
Help our kids have self-esteem outside of what things they have. While we’re at it, how can we help ourselves with this same thing?
Take a firm stand – let our children know that too many presents (or too much candy for that matter) hurts our brains, and then comfort them while they let out their feelings of disappointment about it. You can comfort them simply by compassionately saying things like “I see you really wanted a lot of presents” over and over until they are done crying about it. It might take a while. Be encouraged. When you invest in your child’s character by sitting with them while they cry, your children will feel closer to you, more trusting, and eventually have less frustration and more capability to handle their own emotions.
There’s so much more about teaching our children to express themselves healthily. Try these websites:
www.handinhandparenting.com - Patty Wipfler’s articles are extraordinary and so insightful.
www.soulshoppe.com - a little self-promotion here. This is the company I work for, where we facilitate programs on building character for elementary school children. Check out the “resources” page for articles on preventing bullying and downloads with communication tools and character building exercises you can do with your kids.
Read the whole Ney York Times article I excerpted above here:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C00E6D81E3AF930A25751C1A96E958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1
I also found book resources that would be too many to talk about here, so I’ll point you in the direction I’m going next. That’s right, the pinnacle of consumption at it’s best. Amazon.com. Check out the following titles. I’ll probably post more when I’ve read some of the books I’m about to order.
David Walsh: Selling Out America’s Children: How America Puts Profits Before Values and What Parents Can Do; Designer Kids
Alfie Kohn: Unconditional Parenting; The Homework Myth
Lawrence J. Cohen: Playful Parenting
One thing I’m going to do today is to talk to my son about the toys he got yesterday. We only have a certain amount of shelf space, I will show him, and then I'll ask him which toys would he like to keep out and which shall we put away for a while? We can trade them out every few months and it’ll be just like having new ones. Which toys is he not really playing with and would he like to help some less fortunate children by giving away? And, I’m going to play with him. I’m going to get into a new toy with him and help him stay focused on it for a while, help him use his imagination by dusting off mine.
And lastly, I’m going to give myself a little love. I’m going to step back and appreciate the work I did today, really take it in that I AM doing my best. I’m going to do that for at least five minutes before I go looking for more and better information on how to quickly get through this next challenge with fast and positive results! Love to you parents out there, and to you sons and daughters too.
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