We Got NEEDS!

I’m thinking about our need for contact. Not just people to talk to, not just friends, not just sex. Real physical contact that nurtures our spirit. I sat in a school gymnasium last week watching 8 year olds prepare for a school play. Now 8 year olds are spunky, ok? They’re not the most “sit-quietly-in-your-seat” type of group. But there was one particular girl in this bunch that stuck out from the crowd. From the moment she sat down (if you could call the legs-everywhere squirrely sprawl she did “sitting”), she was an electric bundle of wiggles. Even her eyes drifted around in their sockets, like they just couldn’t be bothered to focus. She slid about on the floor, feet up, feet down, feet sideways, now leaning on her hands, now laying back, now flipping over (yes, flipping!), all the while not-so-furtively sneaking glances at me. Well, at first it was sneaking glances. As soon as I returned her gaze and added my own smile, she was hooked (or maybe I was hooked). She started openly looking at me, staring, some might say. Then, between slides and circles on her tush, she began mouthing secret messages to me. I was trying to pay attention to the rehearsal in front of me, but was constantly distracted.

I started to feel a pull inside my own still, well-seated body. It was like a cord stretching out from my core to hers. It unfurled itself from my belly and floated to her, wanting to pull her in. I felt the pull and thought to myself – what is this? What is she calling up in me? Why do I feel this pull?

Then I had a deep desire to hold her tight. She was no small baby of a girl. She was a tall, skinny girl with legs for days and the awkward face of growing, but I wanted to cradle her like she was six months old, like she was my own daughter.

As I thought about this desire in me, I realized that my body was longing to help hers – to help her quiet herself, ground herself, calm down. I didn’t want to suppress her energy like it was bothering me. Rather, I wanted to comfort it so it could have a moment without distress. I could immediately feel the infant inside of her, wanting to be held. I could feel my own son nestled against me, his body borrowing it’s calm from my own, feeling safe enough to let his mind and spirit range confidently in the big world. I realized how important my calm body has been to my son – giving him a feeling of safety from which he can launch himself out into the world. I longed for that kind of safety for this girl.

I thought about calling her over to see if just proximity could bring her some calm. Then I saw her crawl over to an aide and ask for help with a worksheet she was trying to complete between moves. As she wrapped her arm comfortably around this aide, someone she clearly knew and trusted, her body relaxed for a minute – a complete shift.

I realized how grateful I am that I got to sit and hold my baby as long as I did (years). I remembered that cheesy old song that goes “I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony. I’d like to hold it in my hands and keep it company.” I wanted to hold her in my hand, wrap her in my arms and let her body get still – tell her she was safe. Maybe not forever, maybe not even all day. But in this moment, she was safe, and her body could use that safety like a blanket to keep her warm whenever she was chilled with fright. Her body could use that safety to support her to be whomever she wanted to be in the world. Her body could be her resource instead of something she and everybody else felt the nagging urge to control and pin down.

I need holding too. Think about it. Don’t you just melt when someone reaches out to you lovingly? Do you feel your heart and body open to that? Do you remember ever being stroked on the face by an adoring parent, or having your hair run through by a loved-one’s fingers, and releasing immediately into a calm that consumes you? Don’t you wish sometimes that you could curl up in someone’s arms and be cradled once again like you were a teeny baby, innocent, pure, not judged or dismissed or wrong or lost or Under Pressure? Somebody stop for one minute and give me a hug!!!!!

I’ll hold my almost 5 year old son again tonight. I’ll reassure him that I am here, that he is safe, that the world will not destroy him, that people are basically good. And he’ll believe me for now. Give thanks…. But who’s holding the rest of us? How can we give each other some contact that will nurture us through another day? Could we stop for that one minute and run our fingers through someone’s hair, stroke their face, let their body calm? I will.