The Search for Truth and Hurricanes

Life is full of so many things – poems, wonder, joy, spring, friendships, food…. Why I choose to keep my attention here in a dark room with a sign on the door that says “Processing” I do not know. I don’t mean a photographic dark room, where you process pictures of the glory, beauty, tragedy, and poignancy of the world. I mean the dark room that is my mind, where Processing is developing all the film of my life – snapshots of my anguished childhood that emerge from the chemical bath as an incessant story in need of constant tweaking, endlessly screaming to have light shed upon it. There’s this needy, cloying little gnome climbing around in there I’m sure. It probably resembles Gollum.

Sometimes I look out into the world – I’ll have an experience with some friends, or I’ll read an article while I’m going to the bathroom (because I don’t have time to just read articles, particularly frivolous ones with no other point but to glimpse someone’s poetry slam in Harlem) and I’ll get whisked into another universe where people actually enjoy their lives rather than endlessly questioning them. In these moments I have the sensation of walking out of a movie theater in midday, you know, where you’ve been in the dark and your body thinks it’s midnight but it’s actually two o’clock and bright as anything. Shock. My God – is it really still day? Is there really life out there besides Processing my inner demons?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe that the Search for Meaning and a Truth that’s greater than ourselves is the highest occupation of humanity. I do fundamentally believe that my spiritual Freedom is my top priority in this life. But geez, can I have a minute to inhabit the human temple before I ascend? To just Be Here and muck around? And is the path to ascension paved only with the chunks of my issues I’ve been digging up for so long now? Can I actually SEE the road if I’m only looking at myself?

When I’m shown the other part of our human nature – the “not Processing” part, the part that explores its surroundings with glee, the part that shares just for fun, that creates connection through art, music, hangin’ on the block, the part that marvels and laughs with reverence at the complexity and divinity of our humanness – I feel alive again. I can feel something other than then dismal disappointment that my consciousness is not loving enough, not abundant enough, not open enough, not not not enough.

So there I was this morning, in the bathroom. (I usually rush through even this – Voila! Down the hatch and back to work.) But something in me paused today and picked up Oprah Magazine, which I keep in there for the guests. In the back I flipped to this page where a woman was telling the story of her poetry parties. It had no point really – it was just two pages of copy with 4 or 5 photos from nights when she invites her friends over to drink Hurricanes and read their favorite literary passages together. It was just a moment in time where a human being did something that celebrated her friends, her life, the beauty of the world. I didn’t even let myself read the whole article, but what I did read sparked something in me. I know my search for Truth and God is holy and good. It is where I am. But the Truth does not show itself only in the valiant and determined searching of faithful (aka obsessed) hearts.

The Truth of God and the Deeper Meaning of our lives shows themselves IN our humanness. If we look, they show themselves in the hands-on work we do to maintain our existence, pay the rent. They show themselves in the joy of a moment of connection between friends. They show themselves in someone’s sculpture of a head lying on its side or a song about dancing. Without being IN our humanness there is no transcendence. Dig too far down the well and you won’t be able to see the light anymore. All you see is the dirt you’re digging, and even that you can’t see very clearly.

So next week I think I’ll make a plan – a Spiritual plan – to do one thing just for fun, totally unconnected to the painful drudgery that has become my Search, just about being a human here on the planet for a little while. And I’ll do that one thing consciously. I’ll savor the time I spend doing it, and to notice myself enjoying it. Maybe that’s where my true healing resides. I guess I’ll see, won’t I. I hope so.