A word or a thousand on love and parenting… Mostly love….

I like to believe that I lead a pretty spiritual, connected life. I meditate, do emotional discharge work, do therapy of many kinds, read spiritual masters, go to lectures and symposiums about uplifting ourselves, humanity and the planet. At the moment, I am also changing careers and moving into the world of teaching parents and other adults how to access their emotional intelligence. I’m catching up on all the latest brain/heart research, and reading many different approaches to parenting while also pursuing my own personal growth.

What’s striking me today, enough to want to sit down and say something about it, is how similar so many approaches are. Perhaps we like to think that we are different, or perhaps it’s just human nature to feel alone and isolated in how we do things, but the truth is, most of the paths to “freedom” and most of the approaches to parenting, to personal growth, even to spiritual enlightenment that I’ve seen all seem to lead in the same direction.

The most salient point on all these paths is that human beings are essentially good. We each have some kind of connection to a higher truth, call it God, The Universe, the Flow, The Truth, Consciousness, Spirit, whatever. We each have a true heart inside, a good heart that longs for connection, truth and love. When we get connection, truth and love, when we are listened to and helped, encouraged and understood, we act respectfully. When we get separated from one another (I hurt you, you annoy me, something causes us to separate), we feel pain. If we express the pain healthily and lovingly, we can move through it and move on. If we suppress the pain we become angry, depressed, self-loathing, or just plain don’t like people. We become judgmental to protect ourselves from having to experience that separation again, and off we go into a world of hurt, dislikes, isolation and lonliness.

In order to avoid this separation, we do our best to train our children to act respectfully. The problem is that we’ve been taught that our “moral compass” is not something innate, rather it is something that is trained in us over time. We must be good trainers, and must accept nothing less than respectful behavior from our children (not to mention our significant others and family members). Good training imposes structure, punishment for bad behavior and rewards for good behavior. Love and acceptance for behaving the way we should and shame or a time out (or god-forbid a breakup) when we are bad.

The problem is that this perception of people - that we require training to be decent - does not account for how our brains physically function, and does not lead us to solving our problems and becoming more connected. Actually, it is what leads us to brow-beating each other with our own opinions, to clinging fiercely or desperately to our position in a conflict, and to the general unease we experience in relation to our fellows.

The most current research out there on Brain Function shows that when we feel safe and cared for, we are more able to think and choose actions that benefit us, and those around us. When we feel bad, threatened, ashamed, or distressed, our pre-frontal cortex shuts down and we begin functioning from our brain stem – that area of our brain designed to protect us – to fight, freeze or flee.

I don’t know about you, but for me, trying to resolve arguments with my loved ones by fighting, fleeing or freezing has never really worked.

I need to feel loved. I need to be listened to. I need to have the people around me understand and believe that I am a basically good person, and that when I behave badly it’s less about maniacal selfishness and more about how hurt, angry or disconnected I feel. If people believed that about me, and chose to look at why I might be behaving some particularly baaaad way, instead of just judging me and reacting with their own negativity, perhaps we could de-escalate the problem. Perhaps we could share, understand each other, come closer, know one another better.

I also need to have the people around me have faith in my basic intelligence. Given conditions of love and acceptance, I will be courageous and will find solutions to my problems. Children are, believe it or not, the same way. Sure, they need training on how to communicate their feelings, but let’s not confuse punishment and shame with training. Punishment and shame shut down a person’s natural ability to problem solve. They may cause a person to suppress their feelings and look like they’re being “good,” but that ultimately leads to lying, depression, anger, mania, and finally that feeling that we are all alone in the world and no one will ever understand us.

If we could give each other that faith, if we could give each other the gift of listening, if we could be detectives and ask ourselves why people behave how they do, then we might be able to show enough compassion to liberate someone else, or ourselves, from the feelings that caused the behavior in the first place. We might be able to create lasting peace and connection. We might be able to create love.

If we could see for ourselves how hurt we really feel about how that thing that just happened separated us from someone, perhaps we could focus on getting connected again rather than condemning someone for the behavior.

Current scientific research shows that we act respectfully because we feel safe and loved, not the other way around. So today, when your child acts out and you desperately want to shut them in their room, or tell them how bad they’re being, or throw them out the window or whatever (don’t be shocked – you know you have that feeling now and then), try looking at why their behavior is off. Try figuring out what they might need in this moment to come back to being the loving caring person they truly are. Try it with your spouse, or with that problem sibling or co-worker. Address the need behind the behavior and see if you can create more love. Cuz don’tcha want more love? I do.

Too Many Faces!

I’m at a loss. Between calling my voice mail to get down the snippit of a song that comes to me on my drive to work, trying to advertise my jewelry on Facebook or YouTube or my own website, trying to get my own website up and managed (btw, should it be a jewelry site? A singing site? A parenting site?), putting up videos of my songs on YouTube, reading parenting books to try to build a foundation for a parent-coaching business, signing certificates for young students in my Elementary Peace Program, washing dishes and laundry and Sam’s hair and tomatoes for dinner, scheduling babysitting for school events, scheduling dinners with friends, making jewelry to have something to sell, and therapy, meditation, chiropractic and body work, I can’t barely sit still, let alone thing straight!

I sit down this morning at 9:30am to connect with someone over e-mail on a project I am managing, and there in my inbox is a message from an old high school friend on Facebook. I check it out (only for a second, I swear!), and see the photo album with my jewelry right there on my profile. I remember that I’ve got new jewelry photos (not professional – don’t get me started!), and should put them up in case people want to see them. I put them up, and think, oh yeah – I should check how many more people saw my videos on YouTube today. So I bounce over there (just one more second…). 91 people in 3 weeks with absolutely NO advertising. Not bad. Oh yeah, I should quickly check Statcounter.com to see if anyone’s seen my blog lately (it’s so fast, only takes a second). Nope, no one’s reading, not in the last three days. Bummer. Oh yeah, I really wanted to write a new piece on the books I’m reading right now - Pema Chodron’s book, “Practicing Peace in Times of War,” and Alfie Kohn’s book, “Unconditional Parenting” - at the same time. If I write a piece, maybe more people will read and then I can set up some kind of, you know, fan base, to get my parenting coaching business off the ground. Oh yeah, I should e-mail my contacts about that today. And read more of the book so I can keep adding to my credibility. And oh yeah, didn’t my hairdresser say she wanted to hire me to facilitate a Mothers and Daughters group talk on the topic of respect? I better write out a proposal and send it out. Oh, and make those two necklaces for Sam’s school auction. And call that therapist I have been phone-tagging for two months now. And contribute something meaningful to this world to help inspire us to save our struggling planet....

I could go on. Get the picture? WHO AM I? I am a creative woman, with lots of ideas, no real business sense and not a lot of cash on hand to support all my creativity. I am a mother, desperately trying to keep my son from getting a cold 5 days before my last big work-week of the school year. I am a partner, trying to hold a house together for my man so he can relax after HIS demanding days. And I work as a facilitator, teaching thousands of children in California how to recognize and express their feelings in a healthy way. I am a gardener, singer, songwriter, jewelry maker, councilor, tech team manager (?), wanna-be writer, political activist, social-change purporter, and give me five minutes, I’ll become something else too.

It’s too much! A big part of me wants to move to the mountains of India and turn my life into a simple subsistence existence. Drop out! No wonder it’s taking every ounce of will power I’ve got to keep me from just playing a mindless video game all day. A daunting mountain stands in front of me here, and I feel a cold coming on. What do I dooooooo?

Some would say I should just simplify. I've taken on too much. I should just settle down, get rid of those idealistic and naive dreams of creative expression and wealthy abundance, get a job as an office manager and be done with it. Which would solve some things. But I would also die slowly of missing my calling(s), suppressing my desires and my soul's energy. So I can't do that. But there must be something... Something I can do to keep going along these paths I've chosen, to make something happen here...

(hang with me here while I consult my many years of personal growth experience...)

Yes! I've got it! Folks, today I am going to take a step towards Peace. I’m going to take 15 minutes to write down everything (and I mean everything) that’s on my mind to do, think about, take action on or delegate. And after that, I’m going to prioritize it! Go Wild!! And after that, I’m going to do some things, one by one, until I am satisfied with what I’ve accomplished! And if I do not perish on the couch before 5pm, I’m going to go to a meeting tonight, report on my team’s performance, leave the meeting early and go to a meditation that also happens to be a birthday celebration.

Maybe I’ll even report back to you on how I’ve done. (Don’t spend too much time waiting for that). Good luck to all you multi-career-ists out there. Good luck to all you talented but cash-poor idealists trying to live your dreams. Good luck to me too.

It's now 10:27am. See, that whole thing, including writing this piece, took less than an hour. There's always more time than you think.... Breathe in. Breathe out. Peace out.

On Poor Babes in Toyland

My son just had his fifth birthday. He was born on the first of May – May Day – and is a meaty, feisty bull in more than just the astrological sense. Tall, blond and full-cheeked, he can be incredibly sweet, creative, verbal and perceptive. And, he can be SO BEASTY!!!

Let me explain what I mean by beasty (as if you parents don’t really know). His mind is like a speeding train. Getting it to stop while racing along mid-thought-stream is almost impossible. (Side-note – is this why it’s called a “train” of thought? So many compartments that spring one from another, careening along rapidly, too cumbersome to stop quickly?) Trying to have a conversation without forcefully shutting him down so we can get a word in edgewise has proven to be one of our greatest parenting challenges.

When he gets this mind of his set on something – some desire or supposed “need” – the wild beast WILL NOT be talked down. We try reasoning with him, but his reasoning skills far outlast my patience, and frankly, often, my intellect. We try negotiating, but feel totally exploited by the time we’re done as he’s usually negotiated 2 or 3 more pages, or minutes, or bites than we really were willing to concede. We’ve tried “tough-loving” him (“we said no, mommy and daddy know best right now. I’m sorry you feel sad about it, but you’ll be okay”), which sometimes works - after we sit through the long torturous tantrums that inevitably follow. We’ve even tried scaring him into obedience by yelling or grabbing him, this only in our worst moments when we can no longer handle his persistence and we’re out of our own minds. The consequences of that last tactic are that he feels terrible, we feel terrible, and our connection has been damaged – he has less trust in us – which usually leads to more acting out in the end.

His beastiness extends to all areas of his life. “Please use your fork!” “Can you say that in your inside voice?” “Walk please!” “Can you puh-leeeeze say excuse me!!!” “WATCH OUT for those people!!” “Do we live in a barn?” “Please stop. Stop! I SAID STOP!!”

Trying to tame him is our full time occupation, and we both have jobs, and the house, and a garden, and friends, and now my husband wants a dog. What are we to DO????

I have read and read, consulted, ruminated, trained and even begun teaching parenting skills and I still feel like I am swimming in water that’s just over my head.

The latest challenge where his beastiness is rearing its beasty head is the Birthday. We’ve always held his birthday as a time for our community to come together to celebrate him, themselves and the part they’ve all had in supporting our family. It’s been a lovely event, at a park every year, great food, lots of connection and fabulous cake. This year was no different, except that this year we invited his whole pre-school class – about 30 kids and their parents. Add that to our whole community and you have about 100 people. And 50 PRESENTS!

By the end of the party, high on sugar and completely over-stimulated, my son began opening his presents. It was a frenzy. Ripping and tearing and gnashing of teeth. I did get him to open the cards first and get someone to read them so I could write down the gifts for the thank you notes (which I’ve never been able to actually get in the mail, but I try each year by diligently writing down who gave what). I even got him to get up and hug a few people after slashing into their gifts. But I realized too late that opening all the presents right then and there - even allowing all the presents in the first place - was actually part of what’s been creating this beast.

When he’s faced with so many presents, my poor son cannot think. He cannot feel anything but the rush to get them all open. Sure, he pauses long enough to say, “wow! A tractor!” before he throws the next box into the pile, but the whole ritual becomes about what’s next, certainly not about celebrating him, or honoring those who care for him enough to bring gifts. It becomes a consumer driven nightmare played out in the worst of all ways – in the heart and mind and fantasy of a little boy.

It breeds disappointment in him and others – did he like it enough? He didn’t even really look at it! Is that all? That’s not the one I asked for!! The over-stimulation crowds his brain and causes him to “numb out” and become less present to his own emotional needs or to the feelings of his friends. He turns from my sweet little boy to the greedy little hoarder who doesn’t let his friends play with his new toys because they’re “too special” – so special that they’re lying discarded in a big pile. Over the years of Christmas and Birthday deluges he’s begun to lose interest in the things he has after about five minutes and always seems to want more, more, more.

Lately I’ve gotten so desperate about this that I’ve begun to tell him the stories of hungry children in China or kids with no toys in Africa, which doesn’t really make him more grateful, by the way. So today I am looking for answers. I’ve spent all morning on the Internet, seeking out information about children and consumerism, too many presents, how to instill values and all that.

What I’ve found is pretty sobering. By “pretty sobering,” I really mean crushing, heart-wrenching, gut twisting. Between the media, profit-driven companies, and, believe it or not, economists, who disregard the social and moral development of our people and our society when they champion the purely numerical belief that consumption is the best driver of our economy, how are we to get a break? I mean, my son doesn’t even watch TV, but other kids do, and media-related themes are so pervasive in our culture that we practically can’t buy a pair of shoes without a cartoon-character franchise attached to them. If I tell my son he can only have one cookie, I’ve had other moms look at me like I’m the Grinch who Stole Christmas. We’re being raised and indoctrinated to believe that the current typically American lifestyle of gluttony, consumerism, fast-paced action, entertainment, instant gratification, and “whatever sells” thinking is going to benefit us – make us rich, help us feel satisfied.

Meanwhile, depression, suicide, obesity, and bankruptcy are on the rise like never before.

Okay, you probably already know this, and you are probably beginning to feel depressed like I’ve been over this stuff, so let’s cut the nastiness and get to the gold. (How’s that for instant gratification?).

How do we raise our children to have a social conscience? How do we raise them to have strong values, to be generous and kind, to be patient and express themselves powerfully and respectfully?

One thing I knew, even before my Internet search, is that it all starts with us. Children learn from watching, and they are watching US!!! Whether we’re a parent or not, the children of this world are watching us. Do you swear at someone when they cut you off in traffic and gesticulate wildly or do you hold yourself back and think about how you make mistakes too? Do you listen to your own children as you would want them to listen to you? All the way through without interrupting (or saying excuse me if you have to interrupt)? Do you think before you say no? Modeling is first and foremost the most powerful tool for creating values-driven behavior.

But here’s the question I was looking to answer today: how do we counteract the cultural influences that turn our sweeties into beasties? I found a few things.

A recent article in the New York Times had these suggestions:

''Many parents communicate feelings by giving gifts rather than by direct communication of their feelings,'' said Dr. Kenneth Skodnek, a child psychiatrist at Nassau County Medical Center. ''It's almost as if materialism becomes the matrix of social relations -- our sense of self esteem and our relation to others.''

Adults, the experts say, should simply take a firm stand. ''Children need adults to tell them they've had too much candy,'' said Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychologist at New York Cornell Medical Center. ''And if the adult is the cause of too much candy, it's really a bad situation.''

Common sense, without shades of Ebenezer Scrooge, is the goal. One of Dr. Shanor's suggestions is to parcel gifts out over longer periods; she even suggests putting away all but a couple of gifts after they are opened.

Dr. Nancy Brush, a psychology professor at Fordham University, says Hanukkah with its eight days of gift-giving, or celebrating the 12 Days of Christmas, can be considerably more reasonable than a single gift-giving orgy.

Another idea is to give children more complicated toys that can engage them for longer periods of time. ''More complicated toys that are developmentally appropriate are better than multiple toys,'' Dr. Brush said.

Help our kids have self-esteem outside of what things they have. While we’re at it, how can we help ourselves with this same thing?

Take a firm stand – let our children know that too many presents (or too much candy for that matter) hurts our brains, and then comfort them while they let out their feelings of disappointment about it. You can comfort them simply by compassionately saying things like “I see you really wanted a lot of presents” over and over until they are done crying about it. It might take a while. Be encouraged. When you invest in your child’s character by sitting with them while they cry, your children will feel closer to you, more trusting, and eventually have less frustration and more capability to handle their own emotions.

There’s so much more about teaching our children to express themselves healthily. Try these websites:

www.handinhandparenting.com - Patty Wipfler’s articles are extraordinary and so insightful.

www.soulshoppe.com - a little self-promotion here. This is the company I work for, where we facilitate programs on building character for elementary school children. Check out the “resources” page for articles on preventing bullying and downloads with communication tools and character building exercises you can do with your kids.

Read the whole Ney York Times article I excerpted above here:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C00E6D81E3AF930A25751C1A96E958260&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

I also found book resources that would be too many to talk about here, so I’ll point you in the direction I’m going next. That’s right, the pinnacle of consumption at it’s best. Amazon.com. Check out the following titles. I’ll probably post more when I’ve read some of the books I’m about to order.

David Walsh: Selling Out America’s Children: How America Puts Profits Before Values and What Parents Can Do; Designer Kids

Alfie Kohn: Unconditional Parenting; The Homework Myth

Lawrence J. Cohen: Playful Parenting

One thing I’m going to do today is to talk to my son about the toys he got yesterday. We only have a certain amount of shelf space, I will show him, and then I'll ask him which toys would he like to keep out and which shall we put away for a while? We can trade them out every few months and it’ll be just like having new ones. Which toys is he not really playing with and would he like to help some less fortunate children by giving away? And, I’m going to play with him. I’m going to get into a new toy with him and help him stay focused on it for a while, help him use his imagination by dusting off mine.

And lastly, I’m going to give myself a little love. I’m going to step back and appreciate the work I did today, really take it in that I AM doing my best. I’m going to do that for at least five minutes before I go looking for more and better information on how to quickly get through this next challenge with fast and positive results! Love to you parents out there, and to you sons and daughters too.